She's a senior executive at a major US company over here on business.
She's had an amazing career and will no doubt continue to great
corporate success. A career woman who's also got a two kids. I think
she's one of my eldest cousins. I didn't really want to see her but she
does the important formalities that I don't. I was still in my pyjamas,
hadn't showered since Friday and had a little blood on my top. I had to
change my appearance - physical and mental - very quickly.
I write about concepts of human biological types, such as schizotaxia,
and my family would have the closest genes to me. I wonder if they'd
been through psychosis in some form or other mental illness. Whatever -
they still a damn sight better on consensus measures.
Ultimately I reflect on what went wrong with me. On the measures that
everyone else would use I am a total failure. Don't worry. At this time
I don't feel that way. At least not in comparison to my family. I'm
oblivious to that sense of uselessness. The minor concern in that
department is how my parents might feel because they can't be proud of
their son.
It's just considering the environmental factors. I'm sure most people
would be happy to leap to "drugs" but I don't think it was just the
period of using psychiatric medication or my self-medication. I was a
mess well before. I think many families would have thrown me out many
times as a child or put me into psychiatric care sooner than it was
forced upon me.
When I was first sectioned I was at the start of what could have been a
similar career to my cousin's. It wouldn't have been equal to the
careers of my cousins in the UK. They're all doctors now. I can barely
feed my fucking self.
And yet I still think that mental illness is not an illness. Not in
truth. My wealth I have yet to earn but it will not be material things,
salary, respect, status or title. I just want to make a difference with
my life and while I'm still a failure at that....well....I just have to
work harder.
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