I've been going mad

The last few days have been very tough. I have a high degree of internal madness at the moment. All sorts of paranoia I guess. Is my life an experiment? Are my friends police officers or special intelligence staff. Are they psychiatrists. Stuff like that.

It's something I'm somewhat resilient to showing. The problem is it can make interpreting signs very difficult. I mean...I don't know what I mean any more I guess.

I'm wandering around like a mad lunatic in my head. Thoughts racing. For some reason I've been thinking of the women I loved. And my mistakes in life. Well...the ones over the last few years.

I've been getting more drunk than I usually do and more stoned too. The problem is the usual routine is helping me eat. This has become a real concern for me. Even though I am going to take my life in 4 years I don't particularly want a slow, painful death. I'm exhausted. My brain is probably burning neurons for energy because there's nothing left. The alcohol provides the bulk of my calorie intake plus the sugar and milk in my tea.

Not eating, drinking and smoking skunk should drive anyone mad. I have an appointment to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist soon but I don't think they'll have any other answer than drugs.